The Two Kinds of Anger and How to Process Them

Anger happens to all of us. When we get angry, we must work with it so we don't suppress it. Suppressing anger makes us depressed and/or anxious. We also work with anger so we don't act it out, which hurts others and our relationships. In order to work effectively with our anger, we first need to know what kind of anger it is. There are two kinds to consider:

1. Core anger, and;

2. Defensive anger

Core anger

Core anger is a survival emotion which arises when we perceive an attack or a threat. It's an emotion that evolved to make our body move in ways that protect and defend us, like fighting back. Core anger is not under our conscious control. We can only control how we respond to our anger when we finally become aware of it, which is why awareness of emotions is so crucial.

Here's how core anger works:

• We are physically or emotionally hurt or threatened.

• Anger is set off in our mid-brain.

• Our mid-brain first activates the lower brain which communicates with all the organs of the body through the vagus nerve, the fight/flight pathway.

• The vagus nerve activates the body and mobilizes actions to protect the self.

• At this point, we feel impulses like heat, energy, tightness, hands balling up into fists. Anger leads to changes in our facial muscles and body posture as well, which is how others notice it.

• Feedback from the body allows our conscious brain to know we are experiencing anger.

• Now we have the ability to know we are angry. Now we can think about how we want to use our anger and process it for wellbeing. This involves using techniques and strategies to release the energy that anger creates so our nervous system returns to a balanced state of regulation.

Here are some examples of people experiencing core anger:

I was walking down the streets of NYC when a stranger bumped into me with some force. Immediately I felt that jolt of anger.

Marni was complaining to her husband about the unkind way her new boss treated her. Instead of getting sympathy and understanding from her husband, he told her. "You're being too sensitive.” Marni's anger was triggered by the insult.

John was beaten with a belt as a child. He had repressed this anger as a child because it wasn't safe to express it.

Defensive anger

Defensive anger is anger that is used to hide other emotions. Why do we hide emotions with anger? Because either we learned in childhood that certain emotions were not okay to experience and/or the underlying core emotions are currently too uncomfortable to bear. The sensations and impulses might be too much for our nervous system or we may judge ourselves harshly for having these other emotions.

Here is an example of defensive anger:

Bruce yelled at his wife and kids: “This house is a pig sty! Doesn’t anybody clean up after themselves,” he yelled pointing to the shoes everywhere and homework assignments strewn about. The truth was that Bruce had recently lost a client through no fault of his own.

Although he felt tense and stressed and led with anger, Bruce's core emotion was sadness. Sadness is the core emotion people have around losses. Bruce was sad about losing his client and sad and a little scared about the financial impact as well. But because Bruce learned as a child it wasn't manly to show, let alone talk about sadness and fear, he has learned to reflexively push away those emotions. His anger was being used as a defense to mask his more tender emotions.

The Change Triangle helps illustrate the two types of anger.

With core anger, we want to first be able to name it. When someone has hurt me and I feel it, can I acknowledge to myself that I am angry? That is a great start to working the Change Triangle. Once we can name our anger, we can practice working with it to use it for constructive change and to release it so we feel calmer again.

Core anger is an automatic, non-controllable response to an attack or threat. We want to name core anger when we experience it. To get back to the Cs of the authentic self, we want to move through anger by sensing it in the body and listening to it. Then with various techniques and time, we can release anger and return to a baseline balanced state again. It's at this point that we can choose how to respond to our anger.

With defensive anger, we must figure out what core emotions we are burying. There's a logic to emotions. So, for example, if we were not threatened or attacked but instead experienced a loss, that is a clue that we must search for sadness (or other emotions).

Bruce was cut-off from his sadness. Without being able to name and validate his core sadness, he moved up the Change Triangle to defensive anger.

Learning how emotions work for you might come easily or it may take time. Either is ok. The goal is to keep learning and practicing knowing where you are on the Change Triangle at any given moment. This tool is a life-long practice but the dividends keep coming as you build your emotional awareness and health.

A+ for trying.

Here are some short videos that review this information on anger.

Further reading and practice:

To learn more about emotions to heal depression, anxiety and move past the wounds of childhood, pick up a copy of It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self.

For parents to help with the many emotions that parenting evokes, pre-order a copy of Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You And Your Family Can Thrive