IT'S YOUR FAULT!
NO! IT'S YOUR FAULT!
Both people are angry. After insults are flung and the damage is done, the outburst is over. But, simmering anger lingers with both people retreating into their lonely corners.
Where does a couple go from this kind of stand-off?
When we relate from our defenses, the brilliant ways we “protect” ourselves from emotions, a BIG wall blocks authentic connection.
While we may rationalize that it makes sense to defend against a perceived attack, we often end up feeling worse. Another way is to not react defensively, but to connect with the underling feelings.
Most of us underestimate our ability to connect to our emotions. With tools like the Change Triangle and words to help us acknowledge defenses, we can try new tactics to relate more authentically. Consider these scripts designed to soften defenses:
Note: These one-liners have to be asked with genuine curiosity. If you can’t check a hostile or accusatory tone, they won’t work. Then you can skip to the next section on working with your own emotions to loosen the grip of your defenses.
When you can access curiosity and compassion for yourself and your partner, go back to these one-liners:
Say with humor, Are you trying to pick a fight with me?
Say humbly, This is complicated for me.
Say with heartfelt concern, I think we’re getting upset. Can we slow down a bit and breathe to get calmer before we fight?
Say with love in your voice, I love you. I hear you’re upset. I want to figure this out.
Say with confidence, All we can do to solve a problem caused by our different needs is compromise or take turns. Can we try that?
With a little emotions education, we can gently call out defenses, like blame and black/white thinking. We can transform fights into a meeting ground for naming the deeper emotions being kicked up, like sadness or fear.
To go deeper into emotions to break a defensive cycle, let's see what Sean did.
Years ago, when Sean’s wife used to complain that he wasn't more romantic, he would get angry. He heard her complaints as insults that he wasn't good enough. Naturally, this got his back up. He got defensive - launching an offense: "Well you never dress sexy anymore so I don't feel like being romantic." This hurt his wife and she withdrew.
Emotions were everywhere but neither of them had any skills to notice, name, and validate them. They had no idea how to talk about emotions. When he was triggered by his wife, he lost control of how to respond in ways that brought them together, not wedged them further apart.
Sean transformed repeatedly negative engagements with his wife by using the Change Triangle as a guide to use his emotions in more constructive ways.
How Did Sean "Work the Change Triangle" to overcome his defensiveness?
When Sean’s wife complained, he immediately shifted his attention from her complaint to feeling his feet on the ground. And, he started taking deep belly breaths. This simple shift in focus helped him slow his reactivity.
Turning his attention inward, to his own body, he recognized and validated sensations of anger, like heat in his core and tightness in his jaw. He noticed the pull to lash out by making hostile comments such as, "You're always complaining" and “I guess I am the worst!" But he knew those words wouldn't help.
Using these two simple techniques of grounding and breathing and turning inward, he built more space between his trigger and his response. He stopped automatically attacking back.
Additionally, Sean validated how hurtful his wife’s words were to him. He thought to himself, "Ouch!" Her criticism reminded him of his parents who were also critical.
He soothed his anger by being compassionate to himself and acknowledged how hurt he felt.
Next, he tried to hear the intent of his wife's request: She wants more connection. That is a good thing as it shows her love and interest in me, even though she doesn't express it (yet) the way I would like.
Sean took an experimental approach. His newfound goal was to respond non-defensively saying things like, "Yes, let's plan something fun and romantic together. I like that idea and I need help planning something. I get insecure that you will not like what I planned and I don't want to disappoint you." He was curious what those kind of responses would elicit in his wife.
Sean still got defensive and sometimes he wasn't able to pause before responding. But he knew this new approach was a lifelong practice and he wouldn't always be successful. "That's ok," he reminded himself. It's the trying that matters and the talking together when they got it wrong.
To read an easy, accessible, and comprehensive book on the Change Triangle, pick up a copy of It's Not Always Depression.