top of page
Writer's picture Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Why Am I Uncomfortable Getting Close To People?


Many of us are hesitant to get emotionally close to others. Getting close means sharing feelings, thoughts, wishes and dreads - sharing our true selves, flaws and all, with someone else who accepts us as we are.

Yet many of us wish we were not so hesitant. We yearn for intimacy. We yearn to be known. And, we often feel lonely. But we also remember that closeness has been and might again be mentally or even physically uncomfortable .

George, for example, dreamed of falling in love and getting married. But as soon as he dated a person exclusively, his heart changed. When I asked him to check inside to put more language on his heart experience, he told me he felt a wall inside. He held his hand, palm in front of his heart and gestured up and down, showing me where he felt his wall.

The great news is that there are many things we can do to melt our walls and expand our emotional tool set to have more satisfying relationships. The key is to take baby steps: make small, manageable movements toward intimacy that make a big difference over time. When we ultimately share authentically with someone who loves and accepts us, flaws and all, we feel better in life. A lot better.

If we avoid intimacy now, there WAS a good reason

George and I used The Change Triangle as a guide to help him understand and manage his anxiety about being close. On The Change Triangle, George’s wall is considered a defense since it blocks anxiety and the core emotions that intimacy brings up.

Defenses are compromises the mind has developed to cope with uncomfortable emotional stress. Many of us as children or adolescents shared our feelings with the “wrong” person - someone whose response was to humiliate or reject us. Just think of a sad, crying boy whose father’s response is to say, “man up!” humiliating the boy. The child (unconsciously) builds a wall to defend against sad feelings. The less he feels his sadness, the less likely he is to end up being humiliated again. Makes sense!

George’s wall was a clever defense he developed to protect himself from this kind of hurt. But this clever defense came with a cost: his protective wall meant less joy, calm, support, and overall well-being that comes from close relationships. Unfortunately, we cannot both 100% protect our Selves with defenses and have close relationships. A block is a block. We let in all feelings or keep them all out. You have to choose what is best for you.

Adults can learn to be what I call "intelligently vulnerable."

George was sick of his wall and its consequences. He wanted it to go away. So he decided to learn when and why the wall came into being, specifically what the wall protected him from, and what he feared would happen if he didn’t use his wall.

What George found was that his wall protected him from rejection - from the feeling of being ashamed for his needs, quirks and feelings. He learned that we all have fears of being judged as weak, defective and unworthy.

George slowly learned that he could protect himself in healthier ways. As adults we can learn to be intelligently vulnerable without erecting walls. We don’t expose our deepest most vulnerable selves to others too soon. We get to know people and test the waters for who is safe: who is curious, kind and empathetic and will not shame or criticize our personhood.

As George learned to be intelligently vulnerable his wall slowly melted. He fell in love again, this time moving more slowly and building a strong partnership based on trust. He needed and took lots of time alone. But when he connected, he did so authentically. He felt deeply known and loved for the first time in his life! He noticed his wall pop up from time to time, and he understood why. And now he had the option to lower the wall and talk about his vulnerable feelings. He shared his true self more and more, and with this newfound authenticity he felt better. Much better.

What are your walls protecting?


4,217 views

Home

About Me

What is the Change Triangle?

The Book: It's Not Always Depression

Hilary's Blog

Emotions Education 101

Info & Sign up for EE 101 8-week class

Info & Sign up for EE 101 weekend class

Info & Sign up for the EE 101 Train the Trainer 

Purchase 8-module EE 101 Experiential Turnkey Curriculum

Classes and Events

Healing Depression On-Demand Webinar (with and without CEs)

Using Anger Constructively On-Demand Webinar (with and without CEs)

CE information page

More Publications:

   NY Times: It's Not Always Depression

   NY Times: The Healing Power of Hugs

   TIME: Ignoring Your Emotions is Bad for Your Health: Here's What You Do About It

   Salon.com: Toxic Stress and a Child's Brain

   OPRAH: Rewiring My Brain Saved My Relationship

Podcast Episodes on the Change Triangle

Not Alone Podcast: Navigating Endings & Detachment

For the Love Podcast with Jen Hatmaker: Reconnecting with Your Emotions 

Feelin' Weird Podcast Video

Understanding Emotions for Better Relationships

Why We Just Can't Get Over It-Mark Groves Podcast

Mental Illness Happy Hour

The One You Feed

Before You Kill Yourself

The Internal Battle Podcast

Shrink Rap Radio: Video Interview

Shrink Rap Podcast

The Change Triangle Toolbox

   12-Class Change Triangle Curriculum

   Print the Change Triangle Guide

   Children's Resources: The Heart Map

   Putting Words on Emotions and Sensations

   Breathing Instructions

   Techniques for Grounding

   List of Common Defenses

   Instructional Videos

   People and Websites for Support

Change Triangle Tool/Book Testimonials

Change Triangle Tool/Reviews in Journals

Support & Resources

195_WINNERBBNEW.jpg
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Instagram
fullsizeoutput_1dd0.jpeg

Learn more! Buy the book and join the blog

    Screen Shot 2021-06-06 at 7.39.21 AM.png
    7BFAC8AF-92F7-4FD2-B4BD-26F9465F341F_1_2
    030277AC-E516-41F5-87E5-E5D5409B3525.jpe
    04B80B32-3595-4CC1-844A-B8B2179CBADE_1_2
    7292C635-68D6-4E33-8DDD-19727EF6D4E4_1_2
    Screen Shot 2019-03-28 at 12.15.11 PM.pn

    Contact Info:

    Tel: 917-239-7006

    Email: hilaryjacobshendel@gmail.com

    © 2024 Hilary Jacobs Hendel, Change Triangle LLC, New York, NY

    "The Change Triangle(R)" is a registered trademark of Hilary Jacobs Hendel and "It's Not Always Depression" (C) is a copyright of Change Triangle LLC 2018

    Emotions Education 101™ is a trademark of Hilary Jacobs Hendel and Heather Sanford.

    919E94CA-8280-4D87-85BE-C526BE032436_1_2
    bottom of page