Hilary Jacobs Hendel | The Change Triangle

It took me a long time to understand what it meant to "ground" myself. The first time I heard it, a supervisor told me to feel my feet on the floor and I remember thinking, "What is that going to do?" Now I understand this simple process as being a goldmine of a resource when it comes to dealing with stress in the moment. I hope this explanation and instructions for grounding will help and encourage you to practice. Grounding is the beginning of how we hang on to ourselves in the midst of an emotional storm and how we avoid being highjacked by another's needs when we are in conflict with them. And it helps us immeasurably when working the Change Triangle.

 

When working The Change Triangle, we must anticipate experiencing some anxiety. This is normal. And the more we understand our anxiety and can name what emotions are causing it at any given moment, the more capable we will be to help our Self. While education on anxiety doesn't make it go away, it does make it less scary and more predictable. 

 

We all know anxiety is uncomfortable. And we all experience anxiety in different ways. Some people feel jittery, some people feel it in their stomach or intestines, some people feel it in their heart area. Some people feel it in their head in the form of dizziness, headaches, fogginess, confusion and more.

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Below are times we can anticipate feeling some anxiety:

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• When we give up using a defense in favor of dealing with the underlying emotions. For example, lets say I typically avoid (defense) asking for what I want but decide I really would get more from life if I asserted my needs. The first few times I ask for what I want, I will likely have a rise in anxiety.

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• When core emotions, that we are not used to feeling, arise. For example, if I am frightened of my anger but try to feel it in my body, I will likely get anxious and experience some sort of physical tension or constriction as my anxiety tries to squash or constrict my anger.

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• When many core emotions or inhibitory emotions or conflicts arise, we are likely to experience anxiety. Again, the mind is trying to block the whole upsetting experience and anxiety is the signal.

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When you feel overwhelmed and anxious try this simple quiet grounding practice that you can do anywhere in public or private:

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1. Shift from thoughts or images from the past or future to being in the present moment by sensing your feet on the ground. Literally and immediately focus on the soles of your feet, feeling the ground underneath them. This is called grounding. See if you can notice what the floor is made of. Feel the carpet, or wood, or concrete against the soles of your feet. It is as simple as feeling your feet on the floor. The purpose of this is just to get you out of your head and thoughts for a moment and allow you to connect to the earth. You are here, alive and well-enough! If you want to do more, go to step 2.

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2. As you sense your feet on the ground, take 5 or more slow, deep breaths using belly breathing. Instructions here! If you want to do more, go to step 3.

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3. Without casting judgment, but radically accepting what you find, try to name each and every core emotion under the anxiety. Don't search up in your head using logical thoughts. Instead, search your emotional world which is in your core or rest of your body. Literally ask your Self, "Am I sad?" "Am I angry?" "Am I scared?" "Am I disgusted?" "Am I joyous?" (Yes, Joy can cause anxiety!) "Am I excited?" "Am I sexually excited?"

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4. Name and validate each emotion you find. There can be more than one emotion and often there is when anxiety is very high. These emotions can be in conflict like when you love someone and hate them at the same time.Just validate each emotion and let the opposite feelings exist together.

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Practice grounding as much as possible. Soon it will start to make sense that this is the way to stay connected to your core, authentic Self in a very physical way.